i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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