Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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