Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
