the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i love accidental penises.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
