wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
