I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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