it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Boobs are out for the taking
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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