Tell her she can't have a vagina
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
