Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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