I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize