They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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