Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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