I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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