New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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