Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
