either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
