Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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