So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
