he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
