he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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