No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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