dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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