she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
