Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
