wrigley field is MILF paradise
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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