i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
