then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
