I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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