dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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