when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
