i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
