he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
