I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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