This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
