I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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