Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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