I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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