i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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