I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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