you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
