dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
