Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
