I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize