I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
