I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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