After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
