I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
