I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
