I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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