So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
