Why does Corona taste like a burp?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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