if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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