Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
