What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize