My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
