Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
