I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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