Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Can I color on your dick again?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
